"H"

 

 

   Every town has one. My town? We have 6, but "citizen pees himself blind" is my favorite. He is one of our town drunks and probably the worst. He is relatively harmless because he can't drive or ride a bike beacause he has no eyes. He lost them in some type of industrial accident.

 

   I first dealt with him on my second night of FTO. He was calling us complaining that there was a cat in his appartment. We arrived and could'nt find any cat so we cleared. The second time I was needed by him was the fith night on FTO. He told us that he was beeing threatened by somebody but he could not tell us who because they would kill him..... bla... bla.. bla. You know the normal crap that comes out of a half crazy drunk guy.

 

   This normal routine continued for about a year and then he started getting kind of freaky. Now he wanders the streets in a huge millitary parka..... in the summer! He swings his cane at unsuspecting trees and beats shrubs like he is looking for illegal imigrants.

 

   I was running traffic on a stop sign one day and had my camera on watching the sign. I saw "Citizen pees himself blind" walking down the street towards a huge pile of pruned branches on the side of the road. He was on a direct collision course for the pile. So I turned my camera to catch the action and watched as the antics ensued.

 

   I felt kind of bad for that for a while untill a one of our bars asked us to escort him out of the establishment. When I arrived he was sucking on a beer bottle and sitting in a puddle of his own piss. We ended up having to fight him. After we had him semi contained the bartender gave me some crumpled up Washingtons and told me they belonged to "Citizen pees himself blind". I reached over and put them in his back pocket and he swung at me with his free hand. Needles to say I dumped him but you ca't feel good about executing a sweet technique on a blind drunk. I picked him up and he accused me of trying to steel his wallet. I told him that I was actually putting his money back in his pocket and he told me to F--k off.

 

  This last week I found him passed out in one of our reserve officers driveway. His pockets were full of beers and he had an open one in his hand. I tried to wake him up but he would not come to. I was afraid that he would not be able to breath very well flat on his back and in the heat so I attempted to move him to his side recovery position. As I grabbed the beer to move it out of his hand (which apparently woke him up) he jerked his hand up and threw beer all over my uniform. I continued to take the beer and threw it in the gutter while he cried about ass face cops that steel his beer. I then took all the beer that was in his pockets and threw them away. I took his beer because I was afraid that if he drank anymore he might die, and now that he was awake and seemed to be able to walk I told him to go home, which he did.

 

   Maybe I am a bad person but to be honest I don't know if I should pity this guy, hate him, or even bother with him anymore. 

 

 

             Private

                   Smells like beer.

"H"

 

 

   I was going to title this entry "I am the great white Beaver hunter" but I thought that it would sound a little too much like an adult site. I really am glad I chose to be a cop in small town Idaho. Where else would the cheif tell me to go out to the sewer lagoons and hunt beaver. The tale is as follows.

 

  There I was driving up and down the blocks of the buzzing metropolis that is my town. When the sound of a bomb droping ( the cell phone ring I have assigned to the chiefs number ) starts echoing from my pocket. I aswered it and was ordered by the chief to meet Jim with city works out at the sewer lagoons on 500 North. The chief told me that they had a beaver infestation ( ya, I was laughing inside.) Being the 1st calvary Viet Nam vet that he is he told me that I WOULD  track, locate and kill at least one beaver, and that I WOULD Bring him back a peice of it's tail to confirm the kill.

 

   I circled the lagoons for about 1 hour. I had chosen My patrol shotgun as my weapon for the hunt, but I replaced the slugs with some 4 an 2 shot I had left from duck and goose season. Not that I cared about shooting lead into the sewer lagoons, I don't think that the turds would get lead poisoning, I just thought that the shot size was more appropriate. I was not having any luck and decided that I would report back and take the chewing from the boss man. I could just hear him.

  " You what! how do you expect to catch drug dealers, theives and other criminals that have human minds if you can't track and kill a damn beaver! Get out of my sight you worthless maggot!......Oh ya the department photos are next week be sure to shine you boots and look nice for the camera lady.....Who am I!...... what was I saying!   ...... Right!  Get out of my sight and get me a damn BEAVER!!!!"

 

  I was driving my patrol car on the access bank when I spotted the bastard beaver out of the corner of my eye. I slamed the vehicle into park and grabbed my shotgun. I approached the shore of the poo pond and spotted the beaver swimming about 30 yards out I raked a few rounds over him and he felt the sting. He dove and I thought I had lost my chance, but he came back up and I let a few more fly. I saw some pink water gush on the last round and he went butt end up flinching and kicking in a circle that drew him nearer and nearer to the shore. When he reached about 3 feet from the shore I plugged him good with one last round.........He sank into the sulfur murk and I was not about to fish that thing out for the piece of tail to confirm the kill. Luckily Jim was still near by breaking up what can only described as "turd pods" that were clogging some grates. Jim rushed over during the volley of gunfire ( ya the beaver had a gun too ) he saw it sink and vouched for the kill with the chief.

 

I am the great white beaver hunter!......... In a non XXX way! 

 

 

 

          Private,

              kills beaver with gun