Private Tower's Not So Private Place

"H & S"

 

 

   Hello everyone! I know. I know. I haven't been around lately and have been remis in my blogging duites. Well let me catch you up on the last couple of months. This is entiled haouse keeping and that is what I am doing. I'm gonna get all the stuff that should have been put on this blog during the past while and get it out of my house ( brain ).

 

  So one night I am cruising down main street in my pimpin Crown Vic. When all of the sudden I see a large congregation out in front of one of our more popular bars. A large male was being pushed against the wall by another male and there apeared to be alot of yelling going on. I stopped my vehicle and chirpped my siren. everybody began to spred out. I was questioning a few on scene including one of the bouncers I know and this drunk idiot who we shall name "Citizen retarded leprechan" continued to screem obcenities at people and kept challenging people to fight. He was told by "Bouncer Likes to eat alot" to cool off and go back into the bar.

 

   While I was finishing the questioning "Citizen runs like a girl" ran off into the alley. there was about 20 people between me and him or I probably would have chased him but I decided scince everyone kept screeming get back here "runs Like a girl", and "Officer looks hot in a uniform" thats the guy who started it his name is " runs Like a Girl", I decided to catch up with him later. I called for some back up to pund the block and see if we could locate "runs Like a Girl" I then went back into the bar and "citizen retarded leprechan" was still yelling and calling people on I went up to him and began to question him and he became extremely hostile to me He kept acusing me of being after his licky charms or pot of gold or some crazy stuff. I placed him into cuffs and told him he was under arrest for disturbing the peace. I then placed him against a large pillar that was next to the dance floor and ordered him to spred his feet so that I could pat him down. In his infinite wisdom "retarded leprechan" decided that he was going to fight me, Cuffs on or not...... ya I know..... Like I said "RETARDED leprechan"! he pushed off against the pillar and tried to turn on me. needless to say I "helped" him to the ground. He later bonded out and failed to apear so now I am after his pot of gold. Life rocks!

 

   On the political front the city here is going to need a new police station because when the new jail is done the sheriffs office and the city police will be splitting up. Acording to one of the particularly crusty city council members told someone that we could do our reports on a park bench for all she cared. well I have included some pictures of my proposal for new sqaud cars to help ease the cities financial burden. One picture is me with the patrol vehicle, It would look great on post cards for tourists. The second picture is a dramatization of how a fellony traffic stop would be conducted with the proposed vehicles. Let me know what you think.  

 

   One thing that is going great is ........ drum roll please.........I got promoted to detective. I start my regular detective shift as soon as the new patrol guy is out on his own. By the way the new guy is the reserve officer whos driveway "citizen pees himself drunk" passed out on. I find it interesting that I am now a detective, my real middle name is Richard,and I get called a dick alot. Just a thought. Coincidence? ......... I think not!.

 

               Detective,

                        "Gets called dick alot"

"H"

 

 

   Every town has one. My town? We have 6, but "citizen pees himself blind" is my favorite. He is one of our town drunks and probably the worst. He is relatively harmless because he can't drive or ride a bike beacause he has no eyes. He lost them in some type of industrial accident.

 

   I first dealt with him on my second night of FTO. He was calling us complaining that there was a cat in his appartment. We arrived and could'nt find any cat so we cleared. The second time I was needed by him was the fith night on FTO. He told us that he was beeing threatened by somebody but he could not tell us who because they would kill him..... bla... bla.. bla. You know the normal crap that comes out of a half crazy drunk guy.

 

   This normal routine continued for about a year and then he started getting kind of freaky. Now he wanders the streets in a huge millitary parka..... in the summer! He swings his cane at unsuspecting trees and beats shrubs like he is looking for illegal imigrants.

 

   I was running traffic on a stop sign one day and had my camera on watching the sign. I saw "Citizen pees himself blind" walking down the street towards a huge pile of pruned branches on the side of the road. He was on a direct collision course for the pile. So I turned my camera to catch the action and watched as the antics ensued.

 

   I felt kind of bad for that for a while untill a one of our bars asked us to escort him out of the establishment. When I arrived he was sucking on a beer bottle and sitting in a puddle of his own piss. We ended up having to fight him. After we had him semi contained the bartender gave me some crumpled up Washingtons and told me they belonged to "Citizen pees himself blind". I reached over and put them in his back pocket and he swung at me with his free hand. Needles to say I dumped him but you ca't feel good about executing a sweet technique on a blind drunk. I picked him up and he accused me of trying to steel his wallet. I told him that I was actually putting his money back in his pocket and he told me to F--k off.

 

  This last week I found him passed out in one of our reserve officers driveway. His pockets were full of beers and he had an open one in his hand. I tried to wake him up but he would not come to. I was afraid that he would not be able to breath very well flat on his back and in the heat so I attempted to move him to his side recovery position. As I grabbed the beer to move it out of his hand (which apparently woke him up) he jerked his hand up and threw beer all over my uniform. I continued to take the beer and threw it in the gutter while he cried about ass face cops that steel his beer. I then took all the beer that was in his pockets and threw them away. I took his beer because I was afraid that if he drank anymore he might die, and now that he was awake and seemed to be able to walk I told him to go home, which he did.

 

   Maybe I am a bad person but to be honest I don't know if I should pity this guy, hate him, or even bother with him anymore. 

 

 

             Private

                   Smells like beer.

"H"

 

 

   I was going to title this entry "I am the great white Beaver hunter" but I thought that it would sound a little too much like an adult site. I really am glad I chose to be a cop in small town Idaho. Where else would the cheif tell me to go out to the sewer lagoons and hunt beaver. The tale is as follows.

 

  There I was driving up and down the blocks of the buzzing metropolis that is my town. When the sound of a bomb droping ( the cell phone ring I have assigned to the chiefs number ) starts echoing from my pocket. I aswered it and was ordered by the chief to meet Jim with city works out at the sewer lagoons on 500 North. The chief told me that they had a beaver infestation ( ya, I was laughing inside.) Being the 1st calvary Viet Nam vet that he is he told me that I WOULD  track, locate and kill at least one beaver, and that I WOULD Bring him back a peice of it's tail to confirm the kill.

 

   I circled the lagoons for about 1 hour. I had chosen My patrol shotgun as my weapon for the hunt, but I replaced the slugs with some 4 an 2 shot I had left from duck and goose season. Not that I cared about shooting lead into the sewer lagoons, I don't think that the turds would get lead poisoning, I just thought that the shot size was more appropriate. I was not having any luck and decided that I would report back and take the chewing from the boss man. I could just hear him.

  " You what! how do you expect to catch drug dealers, theives and other criminals that have human minds if you can't track and kill a damn beaver! Get out of my sight you worthless maggot!......Oh ya the department photos are next week be sure to shine you boots and look nice for the camera lady.....Who am I!...... what was I saying!   ...... Right!  Get out of my sight and get me a damn BEAVER!!!!"

 

  I was driving my patrol car on the access bank when I spotted the bastard beaver out of the corner of my eye. I slamed the vehicle into park and grabbed my shotgun. I approached the shore of the poo pond and spotted the beaver swimming about 30 yards out I raked a few rounds over him and he felt the sting. He dove and I thought I had lost my chance, but he came back up and I let a few more fly. I saw some pink water gush on the last round and he went butt end up flinching and kicking in a circle that drew him nearer and nearer to the shore. When he reached about 3 feet from the shore I plugged him good with one last round.........He sank into the sulfur murk and I was not about to fish that thing out for the piece of tail to confirm the kill. Luckily Jim was still near by breaking up what can only described as "turd pods" that were clogging some grates. Jim rushed over during the volley of gunfire ( ya the beaver had a gun too ) he saw it sink and vouched for the kill with the chief.

 

I am the great white beaver hunter!......... In a non XXX way! 

 

 

 

          Private,

              kills beaver with gun

"H"

 

 

   I have not been able to put up an entry for a while but I do have a good reason. This last week department sent me to Ground Fighting instructor school. This was a great experience........If you like pain!.. which if you look at alot of my life choices you will see that I do. This class consisted of Gracie Jujitsu based police defense tactics. No, this was nothing unfamiliar to me. I have studied martial arts for over 14 years and I was stoked to go to this class. Most of my 14 years has been studying and teaching a traditional Japanese style of Karate. but in no way am I uncofortable on My back. (I know that sounds really bad)

 

  All in all it was a great class and other than the fact that I sweated more in this class than bike patrol certification. I had a great time. We did have quite a few injuries though. the class was full of some people that either: A. did not know their own strength   B. Knew their own strength and did'nt care. Or    C. Though they had to prove something. This resulted in one set of cracked ribs, a torn groin and a broken fibula and dislocated ankle.

 

  What About Private Floor Mop? You may ask. I am fine. Little sore and the upper inside area of my biceps makes me look like a domestic abuse victim or perhaps a smack addict with and interesting choice of injection sites. But really I had a blast and any pain I experienced will be taken out on the officers that are crazy enough to sign up for the training when I offer it to the local departments. Hey I paid my dues, they will pay theirs.

 

    If you are reading this and you are in one of the local departments I have some advice: Start running and get in shape you know how I love to make you sweat, and you may want to start conditioning your bones by striking palm trees with various parts of your body.... ok that might be a bit much but I am serious about the running thing.

 

 

 

               Private,

                     Floor mop

 

"S"

 

 

   Sometimes I miss old parts of my life. I used to be really involved with the arts, but that part of my life has taken a back seat since becoming a police officer. I don't regret any choices I have made but I look back on the way I was and wish for more creative outlets. Maybe thats why I started this space. I can be creative here and no one can stop me.

 

  I have a friend that I played in a band with. As a band we  were alright, but when me and Friend "Big forehead" would get together and write music we were great. We recorded a song or two and I placed one here on my space for your enjoyment. It is an instrumental piece called "music for elevators". I started off playing classical and spanish guitar and then moved into more contemporary style. You can here the spanish influence and it has kind of a "bosa nova" feel. Friend "Big forehead" is the backup guitar and I am on the solo or melody. Enjoy!

 

 

        Private,

               Sings in the shower.

"H"

 

 

 

 

   Work has been really slow lately....I am pretty sure that is a good thing but sometimes I wish for a foot pursuit or something, but it just does not seem to be coming. I also know I need to be careful about wishing for such things. Last time I wished for some excitement was while I was on FTO and we had a double homicide. Pretty messy one to complete with a cut up body in the kitchen, one in the bedroom and a frightened six year old girl calling us on 911. Lest I jinx myself, I shall not continue.

 

   While sitting in the dispatch area,toninght at the begining of my shift. I could not stop thinking about these Tyson brand buffalo wings that I found a couple of nights ago. Our local grocery store was having one of those sales where they give you 10% off of any frozen foods you can fit in a bag.  I was going straight for the Ben and Jerry's when I saw them out of the corner of my eye. Tyson buffalo chicken wings. I had not had this brand before because I am allergic to MSG and Tyson uses it most all of their chicken products. I stopped and checked the ingredients and lo and behold no MSG. I took a box to give them a try and ........... ya!......they rock my world! you know they are good when your lips swell up and you feel like you just got out of an O.C. class. I coughed and my nose ran.........and I ran right back to the store to fill a bag full of Tyson buffalo chicken wings. The best part? The boxes are the right size so you can fit almost 12 boxes in one of the 10% off bags.

 

   So I am sitting in dispatch and I blurt out that I may have found ambrosia in the form of buffalo wings, or at least a type of manna that the israelites would have killed for, and I got the strangest looks from the dispatch crew.

 

   DON'T JUDGE ME DISPATCHERS! I am human and subject to the sin of gluttony as is every one of you. I will have my buffalo wings, and I will have them all the way to HELL! the sizzling heat of the sauce will prepare my flesh for the exquisite pain that I will experience while Satan punishes me by eating Tyson buffalo chicken wings infront of me while I must abide on oatmeal (without even brown sugar) for eternity....

 

   Well... at least my lips will be prepared. 

 

 

              Private,

                  Hot lips

 

"H"

 

 

 

   While on routine patrol this week, on day shifts, I was contacted by "Officer Bilbo Baggins". He told me that he was going to make a stop and was going to need my assistance. He explained that I had a camera and mic where as he did not. He told me that this was a potential DUI stop. I passed him going to his location and witnessed him making the stop. I pulled arond him and stopped behind the vehicle at a an angle. and got out ot make contact. We aproached the vehicle and I could smell alcohol as I reached the rear bumper. What! I love daytime U I's. I asked "Officer Bilbo Baggins" If he was FST certified and he told me he was not. Surprise! Surprise! I took the stop over and performed the FST's. Here in Idaho we do the gaze and nystagmus, the walk and turn and the one leg stand. "Citizen madam martini" displayed nystagmus at all phases of that test and failed the two others. I told her she was under arrest and asked her to turn around she did not comply right away I asked her a couple more times and before she volunteered to be the first suspect to be tazed in my jurisdiction she decided to do my bidding.

 

   At the Jail she was booked and she performed a breath sample test which she scored a .19/.19 BAC. At 3:30 in the afternoon ....you got to be kidding me. If she had not threatened to kill "Officer Bilbo Baggins" I would kind of feel sorry for her. that is quite the drinking problem... or........ I guess you could say she is really good at drinking. I really do hope she gets some help. Nobody deserves to have a liver that resembles Ted Kennedys'......... nobody.

 

 

               Private,

                    Eater of chocolate bunnies